This is not a post intended to gossip or out an individual. This is a post about forgiveness. I've written on here about this particular topic, but not only can I not stress it enough, it's something I simply can't get over. I ALWAYS have trouble with forgiveness and writing about it allows me to simultaneously remind myself and encourage myself to just do it!
So, here goes nothing.
It was freshman year. I was a changed "woman." (Lol!) In a nutshell, this means I discovered make up and grew boobs over the summer. It was my first year of high school! How exciting, right?! Older boys, new friends, and just a few months away from getting my permit! Naturally, I experienced what some could accurately call a mild firm of rebellion. Nothing crazy! (No, mom and dad, I did not do drugs, smoke, have sex, OR drink. Don't freak out.) But I DID sneak out of my high school retreat in the middle of night with a group of girls that were high on adrenalin, Red Bull, and Sourpatch Kids. That group was lead by a particular person. Meet "past." I suppose if I'm going to use that word as a proper noun I should capitalize it. Excuse me, meet Past. She was a year older, funny, exciting, and people were simply drawn to her! I mean, she was a sophomore. She was clearly much smarter and wiser than anyone could phathom...duh. After that wild night of playing of tag and running around the woods, most of us woke up feeling somewhat guilty. Next thing we knew we were standing in front of our principal wide eyed and terrified confessing our terrible decision. One day of OSS later, Past and I had become pretty good buddies! What a fast growing friendship! I know...almost too fast to listen to all the people that told me not to hang around her. Almost too fast to blow off every single person that genuinely cared about me. Almost too fast to give everyone the opportunity to tell me they told me so.
Over the course of this "fast" time, Past and I had become super close. We called each other best friends and we confided in each other. She told me her deepest and darkest secrets and I listened like a best friend should. I remember a specific day like it was yesterday. Every Wednesday our school had what's called chapel day. We took time out of the day to listen to a speaker and pray. This particular day, our teachers had assigned little groups of people that were to pray together. Immediately I remembered the deep and dark secrets and felt so compelled to pray for Past. From what I heard she needed it. Badly. So, I did. As I was praying I felt something I can't quite explain. I felt like there was so much more I should be praying for. "How could there be more?" I thought to myself. I'm sorry, but I'm praying for a girl who says she is beaten by her mother, abandoned by her father, paying tuition through prostitution, suffered a miscarriage from a rape by her stepfather...what else could there possibly be?! I made a big mistake that day. I completely ignored the unexplained feeling. Brushed it off like it was nothing. There is no doubt in my mind today that God was speaking directly to me about her. God Himself was warning me and giving me intuition and I literally said, "No, thanks, God. You're great and all, but I believe her over You." Yeah. Big screw up there, I know. So, I learned the hard way, of course. I did what any best friend would do for a friend in alleged trouble; I told. I told my mom. I told my dad. Naturally, there was some concern for who I was hanging around. Is this person telling the truth? Should we do something? Well, parent intuition is always right. I mean...always! After a lot of research and an unexpected phone call about the legal troubles she in involving identity theft, we found that my best friend was not the person I thought she was for the last three years. The people she talked about were not real. The things they did were not real. The miscarriage she had was not real. (Mind you, I skipped class to accompany her at the doctor.) Nothing was real. This, of course, came to light after she made fake profiles and phone numbers to speak to me as someone else to get more information. Not to mention the voice changer she used to speak on the phone with people. I'm could go on, but that's probably enough. I was lied to and I was hurt. Ask anyone, I take each relationship I have and I cherish the heck of out it. I value it. I honor it. When I heard that it was nothing but a lie, I was not only devastated, but angry. I said things and did things that shouldn't have been said or done. I sought revenge and let's just say I got it. I thought that was how I would find my satisfaction. Taking down the person who hurt you doesn't give you satisfaction, believe me. It hurts even worse. It brings guilt and resentment upon yourself. It took me about a year to figure that out, but guess what? I did.
I forgave. I didn't forget, but I definitely forgave. And maybe I didn't get the apology I deserved, but I don't need it. As humans, we seek apologies and remorse to feel better. We need to know that the person who hurt us feels awful about it, but you know what works so much better than an apology? Prayer. Believe it. PRAYER. Nothing is more powerful than getting to speak to the Ultimate Counselor directly. This blog post is for the vengeful, hateful, bitter filled people that just cannot get over it. Forgiveness doesn't require an apology, it requires prayer.
So, as long as I'm giving out fake names, I guess you could say I changed hers. I call her "Forgiveness," "Lesson," and believe it or not, "Blessing." Because when it comes to stubborn people like me, sometimes it takes a trial to build integrity.
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