Plan B; The Journey to Eden

Man, oh, man, has it been a LONG time. Almost a year on the dot. My last blog entry was on June 30, 2016 and was titled "Words from an Empty Womb." 

We had just suffered our third miscarriage and were trying our hardest to stay hopeful. Thankfully, we did. Let's recap for those of you just tuning in.

-3 years of trying to conceive with no pregnancies.

-Discovered my husband needed a corrective surgery in order for us to conceive.

-He got that surgery done and we became fertile!!! 🙀

-We conceived on the first try after surgery and lost the pregnancy before 6 weeks.

-We conceived the next month and lost that pregnancy at 6 weeks.

-We decided to prevent, but failed and conceived again and lost that pregnancy at 7 weeks, but discovered the baby had died at 10 weeks.

During our third pregnancy, the ultrasound technician that we saw so often noticed that I had what she thought to be a wall in my uterus causing a division. She sent the photos to my doctor and she confirmed that I had a septate uterus and that a full term pregnancy was going to be difficult if not impossible without a surgery to correct it.

Seriously? We both have to have surgery to start a family?

She recommended preventing any further pregnancies and getting an MRI done to see the extent of the uterine wall. Afterwards, she would refer me to a surgeon in Kansas City to repair it. I felt so defeated and confused. We were trusting God wholeheartedly through this whole journey. At what point are we not truly trusting Him anymore and taking matters into our own hands?

Was this a testament to what little faith I truly had? Was I just kidding myself this whole time? How many times was He going to allow this to happen until we could have a family? 

The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. I allowed my vision to be blurred by my worry. I let my entire life revolve around my cycle, babies, the future, and all sorts of other things that were out of my hands.

Finally. I had to tell myself to get a grip. I tried as hard as I could to let it go and just try to focus on all the other things going on in life; my sister in law and I were opening our own salon so I had the perfect distraction. We sold our house, moved, and I left the salon I was working at. I was finally distracted. When I started to think about things again I realized I needed to look into making these appointments. That's when I realized something HUGE that changed things.

I was trusting God, right? I was telling everyone that's what I was doing at least. Every single time we lost another baby I told people it was in God's hands and that we were continuing to trust Him. So, I was allowing our story to be a testimony.

If I go through with this and get this surgery and do all these tests, who is going to get the glory?

My doctors? Probably...my heart was so torn. I knew that medical professionals were put here to help us and that they serve an incredible purpose! But there was something that was delivering a conviction about it for me. Making these appointments didn't feel right. It didn't feel like it was part of our story. So, I didn't! Instead, I waited and we diligently prevented any further pregnancies.

Meanwhile, my mother in law had sent an invitation to my sisters in law and myself to attend a women's retreat through her church. It seemed like it would be a fun getaway with family so I jumped at the opportunity. I was told the speaker there was to die for! Her name was Dawn Barclay Randolph and her father was very well known and loved through the church.

Let me just preface by saying this...At this point in time, I am not an "altar Christian."

You know.

The Christians that are ALWAYS at the altar worshiping, crying, praying. I had nothing against those people! But it was a form of vulnerability that I wasn't comfortable with yet. I felt as though my going up there would tell everyone that I had a problem...ironic, really, considering how open I'd been about the issues we were going through.

So, I attend this retreat and the speaker was ON FIRE. I mean, I couldn't get enough. 

The Word was SO good that...at the end of the retreat, there was an altar call.

Guess who was up there? EVERYONE. I am not exaggerating when I say that every single person in that room went up to pray and be prayed for.

At this point I started to get a little nervous.

Okay...she's going to pray for me...outloud...and everyone will hear...

I could go sit back down! It's not too late. But I knew I needed to be up there. I was FINALLY there! AT THE ALTAR! Breathe. Stay. It's going to be okay.

She made her way over to me and just started praying. She prayed for my relationships to be strengthened and for me to be an anointed wife. And then...things got a little weird...a little personal.

She started saying things like, "I don't know what it is, but God is telling me to tell you to 'get ready.' He's going to do this thing for you that you've been asking for. I don't know what it is, but He's saying 'get ready'!"

She continued to pray. She stopped.

She looked at me and said, "Are you and your husband believing for a baby?"

I was totally speechless. I did not know this woman. She has never met me nor spoken to me in my entire life. Someone else had to answer for me because I could not form a sentence. One of the pastors from the church who knew our story told her yes and that we'd had three miscarriages.

Dawn nodded and understood. She told me that she'd had four miscarriages and was told she wouldn't be able to have children at all and that she did anyways! She knew our pain and what it felt like to go through what we'd been experiencing. 

This pain is so indescribable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and truly, unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't know.

Now that she knew exactly what she was praying for, she prayed for healing over me. She cursed "whatever it is that is causing this" (as she said, remember, she did not know our details, only what God had told her) at the root and spoke a healthy pregnancy over me. Every woman in that room joined in to pray for us. It was incredible. I had never felt the presence of the Lord like I did then.

Afterwards she yelled to my mother in law, "You're having another grandbaby!"

So many people were congratulating me already as if I'd just had a baby right then and there! These women really believed this for me! It was the ultimate encouragement. 

After leaving the retreat, Aaron and I decided that we wouldn't prevent like we had been. We would just let it go and ACTUALLY leave things in God's hands. 

But then Satan started speaking to me. My mind was being attacked again and I began to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant and losing another baby.

I thought things like

Did she really say that? Am I just being too hopeful? Did I just hear what I wanted to hear?

I confided in my mother in law about it, whom we were living with after just selling our house. I told her that I felt like I couldn't really remember the things Dawn said to me. She told me that she had just spoken with someone at the church and that the altar calls were accidentally recorded! She had mentioned to my mother in law that she was going to send the recording to me so I could listen to it.

I was so excited! God had sent yet another reminder that He was in control. I received the recording and listened to it daily. I cried every time I heard it. It was so powerful. I noticed things she had said that I never realized. Dawn said to me during prayer that when I started to feel doubt, I needed to claim my body and tell it to line up with the Word. Yet another reminder that God knew I would be doubting and He'd prepared me for this.

Fast forward about 4-6 weeks, I had just gotten back from a business trip in San Diego.  I started to feel...different. Anyone who knows me knows that I am VERY in tune with my body. If something is going on, I can tell usually pretty quick and get things figured out. I told Aaron that I felt different and we just kind of blew it off. He said he was going to go shower and I had decided in my head that I was going to take a pregnancy test in the other bathroom while he did that.  My cycle wasn't due for at least 4 more days, but I was going to take one anyways.  He went to take a shower and I took the test, set it on the sink and walked away.  I started to talk myself down.

It's probably negative.

Even if you are pregnant, it might not show up yet.

You were just in San Diego and more than likely ovulating while you were there, so it probably didn't happen.

WRONG.

I came back to two pink lines and my heart pounding out of my chest. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I rushed to the other bathroom.

"Aaron. Guess what."

"What?"

"I am FREAKING pregnant."

"Really?!"

That was our exact conversation.

I told him I was freaking out, needed prayer, and was going to go downstairs to find his parents and have them pray with me. So I did just that!

Aaron and I made the decision to keep the pregnancy a secret from family until we knew the gender, FaceBook until the baby was born, and church until 20 weeks.

I wish I could tell you that the whole pregnancy was a mental breeze and my mind was settled the entire time, but that's not true. My mind was attacked several times throughout the pregnancy and I was constantly listening to the recording of Dawn. Thank God for that recording.

I went to SO MANY ultrasounds. 

I went back to the same technician who found the wall in my uterus...would you believe it if I told you it was gone?

Just gone.

You can call it whatever you'd like but I like to call it a miracle.

Here's the deal. My entire life I have had a plan. 

Plan A.

But God always had a Plan B for me.
From when I got married to where we lived to starting a family and a career.

None of those things were my Plan A. Plan B isn't always the smoothest road, but a lot of times it's the one we are suppose to travel. Had I continued down Plan A's road, I wouldn't be looking at the sweetest little face thinking how in the world I get to be this little girl's mom and Aaron gets to be her dad. 

I truly believe we were given this story as a testimony and that we are suppose to TALK about it and TELL people what GOD did. My doctors and their staff have been incredible and I am so blessed to have them, but when they met Eden Opal they didn't call her a medicine baby or a science baby...

They called her a miracle baby.

Words from an Empty Womb

Somebody spoke to my dad about a loss they experienced. They described it perfectly. When someone goes into the emergency room, a lot of times they leave with a visible fix to their wounds. Casts. Stitches. Arm slings. Wheelchairs. 

What about the people who go in and out looking the same? What happened to them? What about them is broken?

This woman went into the emergency room because something was wrong. But she came out looking the same. So most probably assumed she was fine.

But no one knows. 

They don't know she's bleeding and wasn't suppose to for nine months.

They don't know that she was told to go home, get rest, and flush a child that was very real to her down the toilet.

They don't know that she and her husband are mourning a loss without the closure of a service, memorial, or funeral.  They can light a candle in remembrance, but have to do so secretly in their home so they don't have to explain why. 

They don't know that her heart is broken and her hopes are diminishing. What is suppose to be a joyous occasion will always leaves doubts of fear in the back of their minds. A positive test will never be as exciting as it once was.

To me, she explained it perfectly. How true it is that people don't know. Then it hit me. I don't have too much experience with God speaking to me. Maybe I'm a horrible listener. But He yelled this time.

"Bron. How can what you're going through serve any purpose of you don't talk about it?"

And then I got it. I've been learning recently how important our words are. Both audible and not. If God used words to SPEAK the world into existence, they must be pretty important, right? What was He getting at there? We live in a world that thinks your actions and behavior is the only thing that makes you "good." Those things are great, but how about your words? Notice a lot of the magical movies we watch consist of wands and snapping fingers to make something happen? God used His words to do the same thing. I don't remember reading about wizardry in that part of Genesis; so, let's focus on what matters. 

I decided to put together a bunch of words to try to explain to you what happened to my husband and I in hopes that my words will help you understand what's happening to someone you know who might not have the words right now to tell you.

This has happened to us 3 times and I know what you're probably thinking.

Hopeless.

Not gonna happen.

Adoption.

Other ways.

I get it. I've heard it. Right now, that's not where my heart is at. I personally know women who've lost DOZENS of children and still went on to have healthy, full term pregnancies. So, please, do me a favor. When someone tells you what they went through, try not to bandage them with your worldly solutions. No matter your purest intentions.

I believe that God has used our latest pregnancy to reveal to us what we needed to do. Because of my history, 

I received multiple ultrasounds. I've had quite a few before throughout my lifetime, but for some reason, they missed something big every time. It wasn't until my most recent and heartbreaking ultrasound that the technician noticed something.

"Has anybody ever told you about your bicornuate uterus?" She said.

I remembered a couple ultrasounds ago the technician saying something about a slight dip in the shape of my uterus, but going on to mention it being "very hospitable!" 

So, I told her just that. 

She said, "I'm seeing a full separation here."

She zoomed out on the picture to show what looked like two completely separate sides of activity.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Here," she says, pointing to one side of the screen, "is the left horn of your uterus. It's empty now...but here," pointing to the other side, "is the right side where the pregnancy occurred. Normally, those things would be all together, but this line in the picture indicates a septum that divides the uterus in half. I'll send this to your doctor and she will talk to you more about it, I'm sure."

I left so intrigued and so curious. Could this be why my babies haven't made it here yet? Could that be the answer?

My doctor called later that day. I love her so much. She has been a huge key to our positivity and she is so proactive.

She explained that in the ultrasound pictures, it appeared that I have either a bicornuate or septate uterus. I'll have a dye test done later (when I'm ready) to determine how much of a wall I really have. She explains that this means that the baby either doesn't have sufficient room to successfully implant or to grow. Maybe both. 

And then she says what I was hoping she would. 

There's a fix. 

There's a solution.

A simple procedure that will remove the septum and make the uterus whole. 

Most people would assume we would fly there, get the procedure done as soon as possible and try again. But healing takes time and we want to give ourselves that time. We want to give God that time to work in us and do what we need to do. 

We have faith that we will have a baby in our arms soon and have as many children as we want (nothing crazy, folks, don't get excited now.) 

But for now,

Pray.

Believe.

Share.

Someone you know is going through this.

They are silently mourning a life that only they know. 

They are putting the pieces of their hearts and marriage back together.

They are trying to remember that sex is fun and enjoyable; not just a tool used to "try again."

They are trying to hold it together when someone hugs them extra tight and holds it for two seconds longer because they know.

They are avoiding the topic and quietly begging you to be extra sensitive around them.

They are kicking themselves for almost wishing someone else would experience what they have so they'd understand.

They are dying inside because someone died inside of them.

They just don't have the words.

Our Secret Journey

I haven't blogged in a while. I always have people asking me about it. 

To be honest, the reason I haven't blogged in a while is simple. When I started this blog, it was so that I could be transparent, real, honest; but to be all of those things, I'd have to say I kept a lot of secrets. I lied to people. A lot of people. I lied about all the same things. 

"When are you guys going to have children?"

"Have you thought about trying soon?"

"Are you guys trying?"

I always said the same things. 

"Oh, no, we're taking our time...it's not a priority right now...I have nieces and nephews to hold me over."

All lies! And if you're reading this and I said that to you, I'm sorry. 

At the time, I thought it was something to hide and cover up; something to be embarrassed about. Now I know it's not that way at all and, in fact, it's just the opposite. Even just hearing the word makes me cringe.

Miscarriage.

A heartache my family is all too familiar with. A heartache that I assumed I would never deal with and that I thought was rare. 

I have always loved children. About a month into mine and Aaron's marriage, we decided the whole birth control thing really sucked and we'd take our chances. Months went by and our "chance taking" turned into hopes and those hopes turned into questions. We were young and in what we thought to be perfect health. Why was this not happening? During all of this, my sister was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was mentioned to her that it could be hereditary. So, I made an appointment with my doctor and did all sorts of testing. Nothing we could find told us anything was wrong; in fact, everything was exactly right. Most would have been elated! I was actually pretty discouraged. I had gone into it all hoping there'd be something wrong with a magic pill that would get me magically pregnant! Instead, it was on to the next. And that meant bringing Aaron in which I did NOT want to do to him. Thankfully, I've been blessed with a husband willing to do whatever it is he needed to do for us. So, he went in. I'll spare the major details for his sake, but his tests gave us the answers we needed and showed us a sports injury that commonly affects male fertility. Our treatment option was surgery. We scheduled the surgery and went on our merry way, praying and praying and praying that it would work and everything would go smoothly. He had surgery in August and our doctor told us that though he doubted it would take so long, it could potentially take up to FIVE YEARS to conceive. This was discouraging to hear, of course, but we thought to ourselves, "we're young and we have that time! We will take what we can get."

To our surprise, the first month of trying after the surgery, we conceived. We were ELATED and shocked! 

We told my family the day we found out and had plans to tell Aaron's that weekend. Our excitement was quickly turned to confusion when my doctor called and explained a "chemical loss" to me. This is where a miscarriage happens before anything can be seen on an ultrasound, but pregnancy levels are detected in the blood and urine. She also told me that chemical pregnancies are the reason that approximately 1/3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most women who have chemical losses never even knew they were pregnant in the first place.

This terrified me.

My first thought was, "how many times has this happened to me?!"

She assured me that my awareness of what goes on in my body (a polite way of putting my obsessive need to be "in tune" with my body) would have lead me to know about any prior chemical losses just like I knew about this one. She then gave us the go ahead to try again right away. And that's what we did.

And...you can imagine our shock to have found out we conceived AGAIN the next month. After nearly 2.5 years of nothing but negative tests, this seemed to be almost TOO easy now. We praised God that clearly Aaron's surgery was a success and he had made a full recovery much quicker than expected.

We announced the pregnancy to our families about a week and a half after finding out. We followed my blood levels every 3 days, I took supplements, I did everything I thought was right.

Our biggest fear came to life once again and I found myself in the ER at just 6 weeks listening to yet another doctor try to medically explain and degrade what happened. I know it is their job to try to make you feel better, but while he is explaining to me why this is nothing to worry about, I'm hearing him tell me that my feelings and my heartache about this loss is irrational. 

I'm not writing this to get every reader to sympathize for me and write me a letter of sincerity. I appreciate those that have reached out, but I want to make perfectly clear why I'm speaking out. Amongst those apologies I read were not just a few, but multiples of women privately messaging me to say they've been through it and understand and kept it a secret because it's uncomfortable and sad and we don't want to be looked at like abandoned puppies. I want people to know that, yes, this is sad and hard and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but next time someone tells you they've experienced loss, instead of just apologizing, do that AND remind them how strong they are. Pray for them. Encourage them. Don't try to "fix" them. Don't make them feel broken. 

There is a common misconception about miscarriage. It is that people who have them have something wrong with them. This isn't true. Unfortunately, miscarriage is not an uncommon diagnosis. If you're reading this and you've been through it, remind yourself this: you are not broken. You don't need fixing. You are a woman. No less. 

I will end this by answering a question many of you are probably wondering. We WILL try this again and we are believing everything will be fine. But right now, I am really looking forward to having my body to myself for a while. ❤️

Thank you all so much for the prayers. Keep them coming. But while you're at it, say a prayer for those that haven't spoken out. Because I can 100% guarantee you that someone you know has gone through or is going through this silently.

Marriage: Do You or Don't You?

My best friend and I were texting tonight and she said something that really struck me. We are both married and I'm 20 and she's 19, so needless to say, we got married young. She told me that some people she was talking to were saying things like, "I'm so glad I'm not married; I love my independence!" And "Thank God I'm not married!"

Here's what I've got to tell you, ladies and gents...

1.) YOUR WEDDING RING IS NOT A SHACKLE! If you or your spouse have the idea that putting a ring on it is congruent to putting a leash on it, then you've got a twisted idea of marriage and it's a good thing you're not married. Your wedding ring is a representation of pure devotion to your partner in life, not a warning to swear off the overly confident losers that want to buy you a drink ('cause that doesn't even work anyway.) 

2.) SIGNING YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE IS NOT SIGNING OVER YOUR INDEPENDENCE.

Okay, I've got a confession...I'm considered to be an independent woman in the sense that I don't like to be told what to do. Like...ever. It's a work in progress, I know. If I had ever thought for half a second that in order to wed I would be forfeiting any and all independence, you can bet your britches I'd be a single woman right about now. But guess what? I didn't! And now I've been married for almost two years and I still enjoy my independent nature! In fact, being married has enabled me to do more independent things like start my own business (spoiler alert!), and rent my own booth as a stylist! So, if it's lack of independence that's scaring you away from saying, "I do," STAHP. Just do it and love it! If you love your independence so much then try it out for yourself and you'll see. If you lose your independence after you get married then you married a controlling spouse. Sorry boutcha, that's your own fault.

Aaaaaand

3.) GETTING MARRIED SHOULD NOT MEAN LOSING YOUR SOCIAL LIFE!

"Hey! Wanna hang out tonight? The girls and I are watching Stepford Wives!"

"Oh, man, I wish, but I'm married, remember?! Can't do that-not allowed."

"Oh, right, I forgot!"

So, I've been married for about two years and I've had that conversation only about zero times per month, so that means never...wait...that would mean that I'm able to see my friends and socialize like a normal woman in her 20's...weird, I could have sworn most people told me they'd never get married young because they wanted to hang out with friends still.

Well, I got both, so who's really winning? THIS GIRL! 

Okay, here's the deal, let's get serious for a minute.

You don't have to get married. EVER. Really. It's your personal decision and if it's something you're not 100% sure about then you shouldn't do it! But don't tell me or someone else that you'd never get married because of reasons that are simply assumptions and couldn't be further from the truth. 

I will tell you honestly that there are situations where two people marry each other and one or both of them lose themselves entirely. Unfortunately, this is not a representation of a healthy marriage in my opinion. Marriage shouldn't put you in a box, it should put you on a pedestal; a pedestal that shows the world and all the critics that marriage is FUN and achievable sans the shackles and leashes. 

10 Things Every Girl Should Know About Life

I scroll through Facebook daily to read up on what everyone is doing in life. I can't help but notice... Nobody has it all figured out, right? Seriously. No one. If someone told you they had life figured out and everything in their life was perfect then that person's pants more than likely caught on fire later that day...(they're lying if you don't understand what I'm getting at there.) 

I thought: help them out, Bron! And while I know I don't have it all figured out and I don't know EVERYTHING, I figured it'd be nice to tell you what I HAVE learned. So, I'm reaching out to the ladies here.

1.) There is such a thing as too much eyeliner. You can find a happy medium between football player stripes dripping onto your cheeks and nude water lines. It is possible. Just sayin'. 

2.) Being equally yolked in a relationship isn't just for religious and spiritual people. It's for everyone. It means having the same ideals and morals and yes, you ARE worth it. You DO deserve to share life with someone with the same values as you. You don't have to put each other's expectations on a weighing scale and figure out which one to go for. Compromise! And don't be so quick to get naked, everyone, for the LOVE! 

3.) Yeah, it is still cool to rock out to N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, Cheetah Girks, or whatever awesome era of music you were born in. I don't care if you're 13 or 35...it's STILL cool, okay? Stop judging.

4.) Diets are completely non-existent and obsolete while on your period. I don't care who told you otherwise. They're wrong. Eat.

5.) You need girls night. Oh, but you're 60? Cool story, sister. You still need it. Whether this involves a glass of wine or a 2 liter of Coke, get it! You NEED it. Like to breathe and stuff.

6.) While we're on the topic of Coke, can we all just go ahead and tell Diet Coke to go home? Okay. All together now. GO HOME, DIET COKE. AND NEVER COME BACK BECAUSE YOU PLAY MIND TRICKS ON ME MAKING ME THINK I AM MAKING THE HEALTHIER CHOICE WHEN REALLY I AM JUST INTAKING LIQUID CANCER AND YOUR FIZZ ISN'T AS FIZZY AS IT SHOULD BE, OKAY?!

Okay, that was a little more than planned, but I'm glad I got it off my chest.

7.) What's up with this whole guys have to ask the girls out thing? Take the initiative, ladies! Don't wait on him! Because if you do, you could wait years because a lot of men are pansies and then you're two years late on getting married and you haven't even STARTED begging him for kids yet and your "biological clock is ticking-ticking-ticking" and you don't get your soccer mom minivan/SUV until you're 45 and it sucks...so...yeah.

8.) Number 7 only applies to those of you that are interested in marriage and babies because it's not for everyone and you can still live a successful life without it! So, suck it up and tell your mom to stop nagging because you are an independent woman and Kelly Clarkson wrote a song about you! 

9.) Buy the expensive shampoo and conditioner. I am partially saying this because I'm biased as a cosmetologist, but whatever, just buy it. You deserve it. It'll make you feel better. 

10.) Don't settle ANYMORE. Let today be the last day you settle! I'm not just talking about men. I'm talking about clothes, jewelry, words, emotions, EVERYTHING. STOP. I don't care what the situation is. You know what it is. Just stop.

That'll be all. 👍

I'm not a "Christian." I'm a Christian.

Well, I haven't written a while. Most of you know that I keep this blog as a way to vent and journaling/blogging is something I find really relaxing. I haven't felt that I've needed to in a while. Until today. It's time to make something very clear.

This morning, I took some serious heat at school. Most of our teachers will tell you it's because of jealousy since I had a good month in sales this May and while that may be the case for some, it's unfortunately not the whole reason I took the heat this morning. I openly stated that I'm a Christian. In fact, I openly stated it trying to relieve some awkward tension and make a few people laugh and I did just that, but others didn't see it that way.  The issue was that some people were taking a game we were playing a little too seriously and I tried to relieve some pressure in good fun after someone made some rude comments towards me by saying that I was a Christian so I wasn't going to comment back. Let me just clarify the following.

1.) I AM a Christian. And while multiples of you laughed and giggled about it in the corners and made snide jokes and remarks about it, I was sitting next to a group of people that actually have the capacity to recognize sarcasm and make light of a situation. Those people supported me and were embarrassed FOR you. So was I.

2.) I worked my butt off to make the numbers that I made this month. I advertised myself constantly. I wore everything Paul Mitchell outside of school to get people to ask about what I do. I dedicated my weekends to working at the school (let's not forget that I don't get paid for this.) I spent money buying people samples of product to use in hopes that they'd like it enough to buy some from me. I even paid for someone's service so she could see how much she'd love it and rebook. I should not have to feel bad while reaping my rewards for all of those things and there are a lot of you that tried to make it that way. I absolutely will not take that.

3.) I do not go crying to ANYONE'S office about situations like these. Not the owner's, not the counselor's, not the sales leader's, NOT ANYONE. I am an adult and as of right now I believe I can handle the situation myself and not have to go that far. But don't think for a second that just because I don't talk to them about it, they don't see it. They are not stupid. They are the most educated people in the building and they see it and know what's going on. 

Lastly, 

4.) Again. I am a Christian. And guess what? I have gay friends. I have lesbian friends. I have atheist friends. I have Mormon friends. I have Buddhist friends. I have any kind of friend that the "Christians" you're stereotyping me with would make fun of. In fact, the people you're stereotyping me with are the people who would do exactly what you did to me this morning to any of you. Go ahead, laugh and laugh. Tell me I'm a hypocrite. Tell me I'm a Bible thumper. Tell me I'm a stereotypical worldly view of a Christian. Laugh in the back of the room and high five each other when one of you is "ballsy" enough to say something out loud. I heard it. I saw it. Do you think that's the first time? Do you think you're the only person who has done this? Do you think I didn't see this coming when I enrolled into a secular school? Did you think I was unprepared? I'm not. If you'd like to talk about it, then TALK about it. I'm here all year. 

Thank you to every single person that stood up for me today and encouraged me and hugged me after class and laughed about the situation with me. You guys are the prime examples of decent human beings who just plain get it. To everyone else, I hope you get it one day. I don't care what god you worship or don't worship. I don't care what gender preference you have. I don't care whether or not you can read my sarcasm and decide my sense of humor. I don't even care what comes out of your mouth. You're just a human being like anyone else and you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of the situation. Right? Just like I do. 

The Love Sin: Why Christians Are Guilty

I don't know why I didn't think about blogging this earlier. Especially with the number of situations that have risen on my Facebook page specifically because of this problem some Christians have.

Whoa, Bron. Christians have problems? Like...within their belief system? Isn't that a little...naughty to say?

Nope. I'll say it. I'll say it LOUD and PROUD. Christians, we've got some problems. I'm guilty of it and so are you. I'm gonna give myself and some others a pay on the back, though, because if you are a Christian and you have the capability to say you love a person that is gay or not a Christian or whatever, then YOU, my friend, are awesome. 

Too many Christians have this issue. I like to call it the "love sin." It's when a Christian states that they have a good reason for disliking someone when that reason is, in fact, not a good reason at all! You've heard this before, I know, but the reason you don't like that person is because...they sin differently than you do. 

Let me just list out the endless number of things I do when I sin...on a daily basis. Bear with me here, because I'm human and there's no possible way I can remember all of the sinful things I do.

1.) I gossip.

2.) I lie.

3.) I think terrible things about people ALL the time. 

4.) I sometimes say those terrible things out loud. 

5.) I curse (usually in my head, but not always.)

6.) I forget about Jesus and God. 

7.) I rarely read my Bible (trying to get better, but this is because of number 6.)

8.) I give myself credit for things God should get full credit for. Like constantly. 

There is so much more, I'm sure, but I can't even. A lot of people (and by people I mean Christians) would read this list and say, "She's a bad person. She calls herself a Christian? She makes us look bad."

When really, the very thing you're saying is what makes Christians look bad. The list I just created is what makes us RELATABLE. Which builds a common ground and what is common ground a huge opportunity for? Witnessing. Mind blown, right?! 

I'm going to use two people as an example to make my point. Ellen Degeneres and Katy Perry. Why? Because I LOVE BOTH OF THEM and I know quite a few Christians who think they aren't allowed to love either of them. Ellen is a lesbian. Katy is a New Age believer. She believes in things like astrology and signs and such. Why some people think they just cannot love them because of this is beyond me. 

I have gay friends. I love my gay friends. I also have non-Christian friends. I love them too. And it sickens me that there are even pastors that would tell me that I shouldn't be friends with those people when in reality that's exactly why I SHOULD be friends with them. I'm not there to "fix" them, I'm there to influence them. Maybe make them see things differently and get a new perspective on life. 

With that, let me make this disclaimer. There are certain people that I understand need to distance themselves from people that are "lost." They will tell you they're more easily influenced than the person they'd like to influence. They'd be more likely to be dragged down than to pull up. I get that. I respect people that know their boundaries. But if that person is also the Christian that says they can't love or even like the people that are "lost," THOSE are the people that I have a hard time liking and loving. I still do, though! Because I'm a Christian. 

I'm done ranting for now, but I hope the right people read this. I hope I put into perspective the love sin for those guilty of it. And I hope that as a Christian, you remember Luke 15:7 and Isaiah 55:11. I'm not gonna write it out for you. Look it up yourself and live it.